It’s been a busy past weeks as I try to get settled down to my new job as head of a premier play center. I’m fucking learning soo much….things that I never really had to deal with before.
Coordinating with various vendors, follow up on a dozen or so follow-up lists that I’m answerable to; making sure that not only are things done but also delegating work- something which I am still coming to grips with. On average I take off twice a month, work anywhere from 11 to 14hrs in short I live, eat and dream “#$@”(new company) as I commandeer a half ship on (well almost) full sail.
Not that I regret it, as it was something I knew what I was getting myself into and felt it was necessary for my future. And while it’s not been a solitary journey I do miss the companionship that my previous job gave. Living together with friends instead of returning home to an empty flat. Of having someone or the other to chit chat and wind down at the end of the day. I had a pair of rabbits- Winter & Jackie but chose to give them up for adoption to a friend who has a manger of associate animals ranging from parrots, pigeons, dogs, fishes, turtle and most importantly a mom who stays at home. I used to feel guilty about my late home comings so it the end it was for the best. Still. . . .
Maybe because I had experienced in my previous relationship- the suffocation that came with a lover who loved so intensely that I had screamed at him- “Leave me alone!! I need fucking space (and a certain amount of freedom)” whilst he used to stare deep into my eyes, heartbroken, whispering hoarsely “You will never find someone like me.”
That’s true. There was (is) never someone like him. Not that he did not have his drawbacks, but at the very least his love was true (while it lasted). Now the hours passes and only calls and meetings out of formality seems to be made. My best friend had once told me eons ago… the only hurt that arises in a relationship is when one has expectations. Something which I strongly second. Unfortunately it seems having low expectations has it’s own setbacks. The feeling that IT IS TRUE and the TRUTH is even more of a bitter pill to swallow. I don’t expect calls every hour and weekly dates (hell I will even take a just a late night stroll holding hands) with random bits of gifts given out of sheer love & generosity yet it’s sometimes difficult to hold back tears flowing down deep into the night- feeling the loss of what could have been. From abundance to poverty is a drastic change. After all I’m just someone who gives an ironic smile upon being proven right for believing the worse of out others yet hopes otherwise (not that i will ever let them know).
I need a vacation. And a drink.