Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Lost



unlike the title i have not gotten lost- at least not literally. rather i seem to have submerged under the deep murky lagoon and gotten tangled up in the weeds as beams of sunlight penetrates from time to time... melancholic in absence.

i've gotten a better handle in the work front for  a decent paycent at the end of the month. Seven months in the new place, and i'm still living out of suitcases, turning stacks of books into impromptu stools and hesitating from buying any solid furniture for i dont know how long i may stay. weeks, months, years...??? in flickering bursts of interest i rouse myself out of the gray world and read pages of spiritual books- wondering truly, madly, deeply WTF am i doing with my life.

It's like kind of a lull before the storm, (never mind the tornado in a teacup back home) and there i am sitting out in the front porch sipping lemonade and waiting.... But for what i really have no clue. The thing of having little contact with the family is that.... even though one never really had it in the first place to truly to understand, there's a sense of having forgotten something- but not recalling exactly what.

every one has a dream, mine is simple enough- in the beginning. these days, im thinking more frequently of opening up my own stall/cafe selling....bread omelette. Yes. it's silly but it's true, late one night i even drew up the menu complete with prices, condiments & sides. Only for the mister to rudely tell me- no one wants to pay 60rs for bread omelette when the roadside vendor sells for 25rs. *humpt! (then i wonder why the 5 stars charge an arm & a leg for a basic scrambled egg. #defensive mode)  Other times, when i go through the envious phase of FB status updates- then the green monster comes out and bemoans their lifestyle. then there is big dream of mine~ opening up a resort surrounded in lush natural settings with streams bubbling away and picnics under the shade after stroll through the pine trees. 

Concocting visions docked far into the future that my reality takes on a dream-like consistency- never really having my full attention as i plot out dream vacations and life. coming to terms that yes, i may be ready to settle down and start behaving like a lady,...yet at the same time ready to grab my backpack and run off in the opposite direction. 

yes, as many have told. I am confused. Darn right they are, i'm lost. either that i think my ovaries are over-producing estrogens in the twilight of my twenties. (or maybe it's just my brains)